I’m writing this blog primarily about religious matters. I’ve tried blogging about my faith a couple of times before, but I always fell away from it (the blogging, not the faith). I think there were two problems:
First, I was trying to tell people what I think the “answers” are. I don’t have answers. Honestly, we don’t get many “answers” this side of Heaven, and anyone who tells you otherwise is trying to sell you something.
Second, I wasn’t ever really, deeply honest. I don’t think it is possible to be fully honest when giving out “answers,” because the truth is, whatever seems right now may seem wrongheaded and petty in a couple of years. When your business is talking answers, you either lie, constantly contradict yourself, or become so arrogant that you refuse to change your mind. None of those is worth the bandwidth.
The only honest path is to admit to the questions, to embrace the questions, and to genuinely study the questions. Doubt can be a kind of worship. Doubt is a kind of humility. Doubt is saying to God, “I don’t understand you, I know I can’t prove you, but I still choose to worship you.”
That’s why I’ve called this attempt “Wrestling with the Angel.” The title comes from Genesis 32:24-28, when Jacob wrestled with an angel (or possibly a pre-incarnate Christ) throughout the night, refusing to let go until the angel blessed him, even though the angel tore his hip out of joint.
It was here that he lost the name Jacob, the deceiver who stole his brother’s birthright, and became Israel, the one who struggles with God.
And I think that is one of our duties as Christians: to struggle with God, to wrestle the angels, to dive headlong into our doubts and fears. To hold on until He blesses us, and gives us a new name.